| He is Always... |
[Nov. 26th, 2007|01:14 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my loves bedside | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | queensryche - silent lucidity | ] |
well, hello everyone! long time no post. to those possible 2 individuals that still read these silly excerpts, im baaaaaaack!! ive moved out on my own, with my sister and a friend from our church. its nice being out of the "motherloads" house. nothing against her, but freedom is ok by me if all it costs me is a lousy $1,200 a month in bills. *tee hee* im engaged! the wedding is set for November 15 of next year. hes my heaven, the piece ive been missing all along. i cant even begin to explain how much being with him just makes every day (even the tough ones) great. he lives in my apartment complex, and coming home every day, knowing that i can go lie in his arms and do nothing to make each other content... ah, now thats what love is, dont u think? having the ability to sit in one anothers company, void of words, lacking everything but the warmth of each others arms and being perfectly relaxed. its nice not having to live up to someones expectations. with him, im not so insecure, im living each day as if every dawn brings a new and exciting opportunity. hes a hard worker and everything i want in a man. the best part about him? hes not perfect, which ultimately makes us the perfect match. i remember writing posts about old boyfriends and being mushy, sappy... the typical "love-struck" high schooler. it seems that as i grow older, the mush doesnt go away, it just matures. it settles into a deep-set conviction that the past was just a way of bringing about the joys of my imagination. i love being around him so much that i get disappointed when he falls asleep, not because i want to have his attention, but because i cant see his eyes looking into mine, or his boyish grin smiling back at me, or feel his caress on my face. i suppose that sounds selfish, but if u ever find urself in my position, then all of this will seem so very clear. love is blind, but true love opens ur eyes. when u find real passion, the kind thats strong enough to hold out over the years, u suddenly r exposed to what has been in front of u all the time. the idea of love blinds u, yes. but to love is to feel with ur heart, and ur heart has no eyes. to be able to wrap my head around the idea that God set out to create two soul mates that, despite the obstacles of life and lust, find each other at the most peculiar timing. amazing... i wish i could begin to describe what He is doing in my life. everything seems to be in a downward-spiraling frenzy, and yet the Creator of the universe is looking down and choosing to bless me. i used to be somewhat afraid of sharing my God, but now, Hes done so much for me and all i wanna do is give Him credit. this is only the beginning. Hes always here, always guiding, always convicting, always forgiving, always helping, always perfecting, always there... He is Always... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2007|05:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | our bed at home... | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | casting crowns - praise you in the storm | ] |
looking back on all the journals, notes, cards, letters, emails, and online conversations, its hard to believe that weve made it this far. we were obssessed, completely absorbed in each other and enjoying it. what went wrong? what made us hurt each other during those 3 torturous years? going from one extreme to the other... and back again... here we are, it seems, back at the beginning of our relationship, as if nothing had ever happened. but things have happened - hurts, maturing, time, other "significant others." in all reality, we were hurting ourselves. i remember the feeling... bleeding on the inside but showing no bruise on the outside. we dont want anyone to know when were feeling abused. we write it down in little composition notebooks and legal pads, those words of anguish poured from ur heart and scribbled in a silent tongue for deafened ears to keep safe. "no one will ever see these," we tell ourselves. what u long to do is shove ur pain in their face - "look what u did to me!! i didnt deserve this!!" wipe ur tears with those pages of pain, crumple it and leave it with ur heart at their feet, so they can never forget the damage they caused u. this is the true test of love - when they pick it up, and erase the remaining words with their own tears, then lift the pieces of ur heart and do their best to make reparations, even when u tell them to "give it up, nobody can fix it." what is that wall that causes u to hold off the only human being u yearn to pull close? is it pride? fear? anger? pain? and what brings it down in the end? i know what keeps it down though... trust, in God, in each other, and in REAL love. keep going, no matter what. praise the Savior and have faith that ur life is in better hands than ur own...
I was sure by now, God, You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth |
|
|
| blah blah blah blah blah.... |
[Dec. 2nd, 2006|12:09 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  recap!! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | chris rice - what if cartoons got saved | ] |
so i suppose its time for another random update of my life. hmmm... Bucky my dear, this is mainly to update u as u requested, considering i havent heard from u in awhile, :'( anywhosies, im rather sick right now, but thats nothing new for me, lol. its going around, some strain of flu thats got everyone down. next... im doing extremely well in the work department, moving up if u will. ive become the official IST (in store trainer) which is the lowest rung of management, but hey, its something, especially after only being there a little over a year on and off. good news is, because they recommended me so highly to coporate, the company wants to send me with a team of a few others from the florida area to open the first ale house in new york, somewhere on long island im told. :-D i love new york, and they would be paying my plane ticket, my lodging, $20 per diem, and i would be earning $135 set pay per day. granted i will be working 6 days a week, but its worth it. i love traveling and i love my job, so it all works out very nicely. *wrinkles nose* um, still working on fixing the problem of getting a new car... boo, if i may say so, lol. oh well, eventually. what else? happily paired off, back with an old ex and doin well. went to college yesterday to register for a couple more of my classes for the spring semester, majoring in psychology (i basically just want to find out all my own mental problems! mwahahhaa!!!... j/k!) i will be taking my 3rd year of french, and hopefully studying abroad with a program they offer, considering i have a full ride for two years and my degree is already half way done from the hours i did in high school - 27 out of the 60 hours required, so only 33 left!! (happy dance!!) well, if theres any requests on what else, just comment and when i check back i will be happy to answer ur questions and comments. :) gracias for stopping by my page!
p.s. ~ who would like to help me out here? i was offered a modeling position by a reputable regular in my restaurant... yay or nay? what should i tell him??
Luv til Alwayz!!
Jessy |
|
|
| um, yeah, just like that! |
[Sep. 14th, 2006|08:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | shhhhh! a bed!! | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  i need help!!! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | acdc - shook me all night long | ] |
yay for stir fry and good company!! it needs something spicy... like schezuan (sp?) sauce, and some garlic bread! yummy! i miss cooking soooo much. i have bronchitis, so now i have the weekend off. but i have to sing for the reinhard bonke (his momma named him funny...) thing at church. hope i have my voice back by then. one more day of work... then the whooole weekend off. hurrah for me and my smokers cough!! *happy dance* ew... isaacs dating angela, so wrong! y does this seem deja vu? deja EW! (ha! that was so gay of me!!) ok, i need to go find some chocolate and fun bc im bein attacked. thx for reading my random entry. laters!! |
|
|
| random blahs and WHEE!!!s |
[Aug. 25th, 2006|02:06 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | liberry | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  yup, like that... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hinder - lips of an angel | ] |
its hard to describe the euphoria existing in my head at this current moment. (despite the fact that theres a woman behind me in the library sighing like shes some evil freak out of a horror movie *shivers*) anyways, back to my waffling. sometimes, things just happen, out of ur control, and u didnt expect it, but then again, u dont regret it. it may not seem right to anyone, but to ur own little mind, it makes perfect sense. thats what these past couple days have proven. i had forgotten how much i was really loved until i spent the last two nights sick and was taken such wonderful care of. normally, u guys know me, im gonna tough it out, leave me alone, im strong enough to handle it on my own.... but not this time. this instance proved to me that sometimes i like to be the weaker party, to be cared for when i dont feel strong enough to even get up off the tile floor, lol. i guess thats the mushy part that everyone has, unfortunately, and i enjoy it (dont tell!!). as for relationships, im doing well. not dating is making my head allt clearer, and it gives me time to look for the right one. maybe not THE mr. right, because hey after all, im only 19. but at least the prince charming i dreamed about last night. only, he didnt ride a white stallion (boo for stinky horses) he had a chevy s-10. and it wasnt some romantic wedding in the mountains or a chapel... it was at walmart!! in my head, the only logical conclusion i can make from all that mumble-jumble is that i have simple plans for my future, nothing illustrious, just something peaceful and fulfilling. blah blah blah... who reads this junk? i need to just write my journals on paper huh? then again, there would go some ppls form of temporary entertainment for the day. O.o by the way, even tho nobody knows what this is, im thinking of going into the masters commission program at my church. yay for me and my FINALLY happy self!! ok, bye then... |
|
|
| some days u gotta dance... |
[Aug. 18th, 2006|03:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy to be alive!!! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dixie chicks - some days u gotta dance | ] |
life aint always beautiful, sometimes its just plain hard,
no life aint always beautiful, but its a beautiful ride...
the longer im on my own, the more i realize how wonderful life is, despite the difficulties. things r finally starting to fall into place, and it feels great. thanx for all the support u guys, it meant alot. hey mixa!! i saw pix of u and cristina @ epcot, or disney or wherever it was... nice! ;) anywhosies, just a tiny happy update for u guys. laterZ!! |
|
|
| random blah... |
[Aug. 9th, 2006|03:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  yeah, like that i guess... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | trace adkins - swing | ] |
well i have to say thank u to everyone who responded to my last entry. wow! thats alot more people than i thought read my lj posts, lol. there was some awesome advice in there and im definitely going to use some. things r starting to go a little better. my friend christina and i have been hangin out alot lately. shes on and off and on and off with her fiancee, and shes at the point in her life where she just "wants to have fun and not be tied down to one guy for the rest of her life." understandable, but what about her 6 month old baby? where do u find compromise or middle ground in that scenario? it seems shallow to chase other guys after the situation shes interjected herself into, but its only human to want more when u have what u THINK u want. all this mess is settling down, but theres still alot of pain, the want of friends (especially some girls... cuz they dont want to get in my pants!!...at least, i hope not O.o), and the factor of missing my old friends. i cant wait to feel like i belong somewhere again. advice is all well and good, but its up to me what i put into effect, and thats definitely a hard decision on my part. no one can help me with that one. on a positive and completely different note, yay for football season! im going to be wearing hot football jerseys that make me lots of money! so come and see me, bc im advertising here on lj, and bc u love me!! :) men.... the mystery of the ages. so much to find out and so much i dont want to know... ok, weird note to end on, tee hee. toodles!! |
|
|
| if i fall, who will help me get back up? |
[Aug. 5th, 2006|03:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lost my joy... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | josh gracin - would you go with me | ] |
wow. guess its been awhile huh? what do i say? alot has transpired since my last entries. i went from being completely in love with my boyfriend of 13 months, to being a horrific cheater with my ex, then being crushed back into the ground by the same guy. its hard to know what to feel right now. steven was my everything, and i was so happy with him. we never had to go out and do anything, just laying in bed listening to music was enough. all i wanted was to be near him, in his arms. but i suppose my emotions were too fickle, and i lost control. for the first time (and dare i say the last!) in my life... i cheated. i felt lower than scum, and i still do. i resisted and pleaded and shoved myself away from kenny... but he was so persistent that i didnt know what else to do but give in. immediately i regretted it. steven never deserved that. besides, i was supposed to be the one who was different. up until that point, i think i was. water under the bridge at this point. at least i still retained my truthful factor, and i admitted my actions. it tore me up inside to see what it did to steven when i told him. i could see his heart pounding so hard that his body shook, and knowing that i was the cause of that made me want to die and take it all back. so after awhile, kenny and i became engaged. after that it was nothing but hell. i wasnt over steven, and here i was forcing myself into a new yet familiar relationship. i lost jenny, i lost my man, i fought with my mother way too often, and i wasnt able to happily announce to anybody that i had a ring. long distance doesnt work, nor does infidelity and dishonesty. he started treating me like i was a piece of crap, calling me a slave and telling me to grow a backbone, telling me i was a liar. if theres one thing im NOT, its a liar. i hate them... and he lied. maybe he was projecting, maybe hes just a jerk. but in the last letter he sent me he said that he had lied to me about the number of women he had fooled around with... it wasnt 2 like he said, it was 7. (not to mention he had made one up, but i never found out y...o well). at the point of the breakup, i had feelings for him, even after the way he treated me. i got sick, didnt eat, never slept, always had tears in my eyes. but it wasnt because i missed him... it was because i felt rejected, like i wasnt worth having. im fighting the urge to continue thinking that of myself every day. for the longest time ive avoided steven, letting him live his own life, getting over what a terrible person i was in the end. ill admit avoiding him was the hardest thing ive done in a long time, because all i wanted was to run back into his arms and tell him that if hed give me the chance, id prove myself loyal to him again. im still in love with him... nobody should know that, but hey, a think a majority of 2 people read my lj posts, lol. i still sleep with his sweater. in fact, creepy as it sounds, i have a huge fluffy body pillow and if i put the sweater on top, its like laying on his chest again, feeling comfotable and at home. theres so many tears soaked into the threads of that article of clothing its pathetic. ive read his posts, and i wonder the same thing. despite the fact that im the evil party, how do i move on? how do i continue when all i feel is remorse? what do i do, knowing that i can never be with him again? i dont have any girl friends to talk to, and the only guys that talk to me r the ones interested in getting in my pants. (aside from maybe 2). theres no one for me to lean on and i keep falling. i wish i still had jenny to talk to. i hate that a guy ruined my friendship. i became bitter, and i was mean to her. jenny, if u read this, im truly sorry for the way i acted. i hope u can forgive me, because i didnt mean what i said. steven... i dont even know where to begin, because if i did, it would never end. i guess good luck is all i can say to u. bucky! u better like the new entry! or at least have some advice for me, cuz God knows i need it. in essence, all i want is a sense of normacly to return to me. somebody... tell me how to get it back? more at a later date... |
|
|
| none |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|04:05 pm] |
negate all previous entries... im starting my life over again. |
|
|
| random thought... |
[May. 7th, 2006|12:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lost | ] |
| [ | music |
| | gabriel mountain - my reasoning | ] |
if it feels so wrong, then y does it seem so right? i wish my head would clear up... |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
goozthesnail's journal